The ‘Uncertainty Stage’ Can Last Over A Year In Many Relationships (2024)

POV: You’re in a new relationship and things have been going super well. (Yay!) About eight months in, though, it starts to feel a bit different—maybe you find yourself nitpicking at something the other person did, or you begin to notice their red flags, leaving you to wonder... is something off? Spoiler alert: This is all totally normal—you’ve just swiftly exited the beautiful, yet flawed honeymoon stage.

All relationships are different and move at their own pace. However, the one thing they all have in common is that they do change over time. “How they change directly correlates with how the people in the relationship are changing,” says Shawntres Parks, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member. So, if you’re “engaging in self-development and becoming more self-aware, more introspective, more insightful, chances are your relationship is going to grow in a more positive way.”

Meet the experts:
Shawntres Parks, PhD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Women's Health advisory board member.

Betsy Chung, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California.

Generally speaking though, there are five stages of a relationship and—similarly to the stages of grief—some stages can repeat or be non-linear, while other stages are progressive. A change may happen “when there are other circ*mstances that arise that kind of shift the order of things,” Parks says.

Just remember: “Couples that are most successful are open to change, and willing to navigate ups and downs of relationships together,” says Betsy Chung, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert in Newport Beach, California.

Ahead, learn about the five main stages that your 'ship will go through, roughly how long they might last, and how to navigate them.

The Honeymoon Stage (Up To Six Months After The Relationship Begins)

This stage comes at the very beginning—both you and your S.O. constantly have *that* twinkle in your eye when looking at the other, and everything’s coming up roses. Even though you’re still getting to know each other, you both might feel as if you’ve found the “right” one, says Chung. “Both are on best behaviors, and understand each other on a very surface level, though it may feel as though they know each other deeply,” she adds.

You’ll know you’re in this stage if you feel euphoria just by thinking of them, and you…ignore some red flags. “There's kind of this symbiosis where everything that the person you're attracted to likes, you like their views and perspectives you tend to align with,” says Parks. “Everything that you're seeing is kind of from the idealized perspective.”

You also might prioritize the relationship before other parts of your life. Be careful and stay objective, as these decisions can set the tone for the developing relationship. Chung also recommends keeping up with your personal life outside of your new relationship and invest in your friendships with people who will be honest.

The Uncertainty Stage (Six Months Up To Two Years)

Those rose-colored glasses? Consider them off, for the time being. In this stage, you might start to recognize little things about your person that annoy you—suddenly, they don’t seem so perfect anymore. During this stage, “partners begin to uncover flaws about the other person that causes them to question the relationship,” Chung says. You might even reconsider whether they are the “right” one for you.

Still, “as conflict is starting to emerge, it feels very mild,” Parks adds. “They're typically not the larger conflicts because you still maybe haven't gotten to the place where you're starting to talk about the more serious issues that tend to be really necessary to work through for the success of a long-term relationship.”

You might confide in your friends, feel disappointed that your feelings aren’t super intense like before, or even “engage in sabotaging behaviors such as dating other people or starting arguments,” Chung adds. If you notice your partner is starting to have reservations, don’t jump to the assumption that they want to break up prematurely—and if you find yourself fixating on their flaws or behaviors, remember that your S.O. is just a human, and they have both positive and negative traits.

“Ask yourself ‘How does this person make you feel?’ rather than hyper-focusing on their external flaws,” Chung says.

The Adjustment Stage (After Two Years)

If you’re able to get through that initial uncertainty phase, you’ll get to the adjustment stage. Here, you'll be faced with conflicts and incompatibilities that are deeper-seated and and harder to navigate—possibly having to do with cultural differences, such as family culture or ethnic culture, or religious beliefs and morals, Parks says. “You're having to negotiate whatever those challenges are in order to see whether or not this relationship is viable to transition into a long-term partnership,” she adds.

Try to navigate these conflicts and fights together, Chung says. “Couples at this stage do have a desire to make the relationship work, but continue to remain uncertain of long-term potential,” she says. How open you both are to working through difficulties might depend on how long you’ve been together or how attached to you are to one another.

At this stage, be wary of any relationship habits or patterns forming, especially unhealthy ones, like your partner giving you the silent treatment after a fight. A key to getting through this stage is practicing healthy communication and learning to compromise, Chung explains.

When conflicts arise in this stage, Parks recommends “listening to understand as opposed to listening to respond.” Sometimes in relationships, people are used to reacting through their emotions rather than taking time to understand the context of their partner’s point of view. To solve conflicts, try to “listen to gain a sense of understanding about where your partner is coming from, maybe why they have the belief or the position that they have, and how the two of you together can navigate this difference,” Parks says.

The Commitment Stage (After Two Or More Years)

This stage is called the commitment stage for a reason—here, you’ll start to accept each other’s flaws, finding that they “outweigh the difficulties,” Chung says. (Woohoo!) You’ll get more comfortable with each other, in addition to the idea of staying together long-term.

Parks says that sometimes couples fear that when they reach a deeper commitment level, their sexual intimacy might fade away. She recommends nurturing that intimacy at every stage of the relationship: “Excitement and passion is the responsibility of everyone in the relationship, and it is a thing that requires continued work. Like a fire, right? We have gotta keep putting wood on it to keep it going,” she says.

In this stage, you’ll want to make sure you stay objective about the reasons as to why you’re in the relationship, because it can be easy to stay together just because you’re comfortable with your routine or feel guilty ending it.

The Acceptance Stage (After Five Or More Years)

Getting through obstacles together gives you some safety and security and brings you closer than ever—to the final stage of acceptance. “This is the optimal stage for couples,” Chung says. “Couples experience a level of closeness that's irreplaceable and reassuring of relationship security.” You’ll be grateful for the relationship in this stage, and appreciate your partner as a reliable source of support as you also focus on your own personal goals, like travel, job changes, or relocation

They might become the first person you call if you’re in a state of emotional distress, if they aren’t already. “We hear couples talking about, ‘My partner is my best friend,’ because typically they've gone through the honeymoon stage, they've gone through early attachment and crisis, they've come through it,” Parks says. “They truly have a felt sense that they really know and understand each other."

It can become painful, though. After all, “the more connected you are to a person, the scarier it is to lose the relationship,” Chung says. So, she recommends you continue to invest in the other relationships in your life so you aren’t dependent on your S.O.—no matter what stage you're at. Duly noted!