Chapter Text
it was supposed to be a normal morning, Chan was sure of it. but then of course he had to go and do something to change every thing within the group all together, Changbin said he was heading out for the day and Chan who was used to hugging others had hugged Changbin like always and when the other turned he without thinking said "okay see you later" then he kissed Changbin on the lips stunning them both. Chan saw Changbin's eyes widen before he squeaked and then high tailed it out of there, Chan stood there as not just shock but shame, Hurt, and regret washed over himself. he swallowed thickly as he headed back to his shared room with the other and he started just cleaning, the whole day he spent doing nothing but cleaning and keeping busy as his hurt grew and he felt like Changbin would probably never speak to him again. he made dinner for the whole group and then went into his room and he laid down on the bed, he heard about thirty minutes later voices and then he sucked in a harsh breath as he tried to figure out a way to apologize to Changbin. he was wringing his hands lost in thought and he hadn't realized he was scratching at his skin, he sat there for he doesn't know how long before he jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder and then turned seeing Minho. he frowned and then he took Chan's hand and bandaged it up making Chan realize he scratched his hand or well his thumb raw "talk to me" he said in concern and Chan sighed and explained it all, Minho sighed.
he turned and hugged Chan "so you like him" he asked and Chan swallowed thickly "not just him but Felix as well.....I, I don't want to be that person who makes things worse because he has feelings for his best friends" he said and Lee know sighed and nodded before he told Chan to come eat and glared when Chan was about to say he wasn't hungry, he walked into the kitchen schooling his features. he felt the tension coming from Changbin and he cleared his throat faking a smile before they all ate, he went to bed that night without having the conversation with Changbin and the next time he came home from practice he frowned when he saw Han laying in Changbin's bed "Changbin asked to switch for a while, didn't explain why" he said and Chan nodded as his throat constricted. he pretended that everything was fine, he acted like things had gone back to normal and when Changbin never mentioned the kiss or anything really to Chan, Chan let it go. he was hurt though, Changbin didn't even want to be around him and went out of his way during classes to avoid him. Chan found himself actually crying some nights when Changbin wasn't there, he started neglecting himself and looking out for the other members not really realizing what he was doing. he hadn't realized he was working longer hours in the recording studio and the dance room, hadn't realized when three meals and two snacks a day dwindled to two meals and one snack to one meal and no snacks until he was barely eating much anymore and coming home later and later hours.
he smiled and told everyone he was okay, that there was nothing to worry about. in reality he was planning without realizing for Lee Know to take over Stray Kids because he was wasting away without even noticing. he blamed himself for the kiss, hated himself for it really. he was hurting without anyone really noticing and if they did they just either didn't care or were so busy they forgot to confront him, he doesn't remember what caused him to start leaving cuts on his legs. first small ones, just one week when the day seemed extra bad and he felt like he was failing at everything, but then one night he accidently broke a glass....Changbin's favorite glass in the sink and all hell seemed to break loose as he became angry and shouted at Chan "why were you even washing dishes, it's not your night.......Lixie got me this glass seriously Chan" he cried out and Chan apologized softly as Changbin grumbled. he didn't defend himself or fight back but the other members frowned and Minho got in between them and started reprimanding Changbin who was saying "why should I, Chan broke it" he hissed and Chan sighed and then he headed to his room for the night claiming a headache which no one bothered him. he waited till Han passed out, oh yeah Han was his permanent room mate now. then he stood and headed to the bathroom and locked the door before he made a slightly bigger cut on his leg as hot tears fell down his face"Can't even do dishes right, always damaging others stuff.....look at you so pathetic"his mind supplied and Chan closed his eyes as his shoulders shook slightly and he muffled his cries.
moments later he cleaned and bandaged the cut, he cleaned his face and went back to bed. the next day he didn't feel good but he went to class without eating and he tried to pay attention in his classes thankful he bought a tape recorder to use if needed, he skipped the cafeteria and he just went home for lunch which he didn't eat really and just called his other classes and said he didn't feel good and took the rest of the day off. he was able to stomach soft soup and crackers to not overdo it before he went back to his room and passed out, the next time he woke he groaned and saw how the sun had set and when he raised up and saw the clock he was in shock as it said seven thirty P.M. and he frowned at how he slept for eight Hours. he exited the room and when he saw no one was around he looked down and saw a note on the kitchen table he frowned and then he felt sick and tears fell "went out to eat with the others, we didn't want to wake you.....be back around Nine" it said and Chan slid down the wall and tears fell down his eyes. no one cared, he bit his lip and he started shaking as a sob broke free. he deserved this, maybe everyone knew now and that's why they had been avoiding him for so long. none of them wanted to be around him, maybe they were afraid he'd kiss them. he stood on shaky legs and he made his way to the bathroom not locking the door figuring they'd all be gone for a while before they found him, he slid down the wall.
the tears kept coming as his sobs picked up volume and then he grabbed the razor out of the cabinet and he shakily sliced a few marks on his arm, made some more on his legs and he pressed the blade hard into his hand and he sobbed harder dropping the razor. he didn't hear the front door opening "be careful Chan's asleep....remember just grab your jacket and we-.....ll go" Han frowned as he heard a sound and then his chest constricted as a wail echoed around the dorm, Hyunjin froze and looked at Han in worry before sobbing could be heard and Han pushed past him to the bathroom "oh god Chan" Hyunjin heard and ran towards the bathroom but Han cam rushing out with blood on his hand "call the others Jinnie" he said and Hyunjin stared at him in shock "CALL THEM NOW" Han shouted and Hyunjin briefly saw Chan laying on the floor sobbing and saw blood on him before he dialed the others. when Han ran into the bathroom he wasn't sure what to expect "Oh god Chan" he cried out and he grabbed towels quickly and placed them to Chan's legs and arms as Chan sobbed harder "M'Sorry M'sorry....my fault.....you all hate me" he sobbed out quietly and Han held back tears and he realized he got blood on his hand after ordering Hyunjin to call the others. he tried to clean the best he could in the time it took the others to come home, they heard a "NOO, THEY'LL HATE ME YOU ALL WILL" the moment they walked in the door and they choked on the ache.
Han was however trying to console a now cleaned and bandaged Chan after cleaning the floor and some of the walls of the blood and evidence "shhh no Channie.....no we won't it's okay.....whatever happened we love you still. it's okay, it's okay I promise" he whispered before he almost passed out "come on let's get you to bed okay, it's okay" he whispered and instead of heading to the bedroom Chan was set up on the couch so Han could keep and eye on him. he raised a hand without Chan seeing to tell the others not now, then once Chan passed out he headed to the front and he sighed as his own tears fell and he explained what he found and what Chan said "w-wait, wh-why would he think we hate him" Felix asked as Changbin looked down at his hands, he really f*cked up. Minho turned to him causing Han to notice "ok what's going on with you Minho and Changbin" Han asked causing all other eyes to look their way and Minho frowned and crossed his arms "do you want to tell them or me" he asked and Changbin turned away and walked towards the living room making Minho sigh "Chan accidently kissed Changbin a few months back, Changbin had a freak out.....well a gay panic or something and was having an internal crisis but refused to see where Chan was in this crisis....so my guess is Chan has been believing we all knew this and hate him for it because we've barely had time to spend with him and check on him. so we're as much as at fault for this as Changbin is because we never helped the situation, he probably thinks we're disgusted with him which is so f*cking far from the truth" Minho said and they all let his words sink in and then tears fell.
Minho sighed again "oh and Felix, he has feelings for you too, because I know he won't ever admit it right now.....just take it slow okay" Minho said and Felix was shocked and then he burst into tears, Minho hugged him and comforted him. Changbin however was silently crying in the chair next to the couch because he didn't deserve Chan, he was stupid and he felt like he should just leave the group. maybe it would have been better if he had been the one to cut up his skin and not Chan, he stood and he walked into the kitchen area and he opened the drawer with the knives. he picked one up and just stared at it, his tears still falling. this was his fault, he did this. he caused this"you should just do it, everyone would be happier if you died. you hurt Chan, everyone's going to hate you now. just do it, it will only hurt for a moment. then everyone will be happier with you go-""what are you doing" a voice cut off his trail of thoughts, Han stood there and the others were behind him, Changbin opened and closed his mouth "I......I was J-Just" and he turned back to the drawer and the knife in his hand and he swallowed thickly as he looked away from them and more tears fell down. he was gripping the knife so hard his knuckles turned white, he felt a hand on his hand and turned quickly "j-just give me the knife okay Binnie" Han said and Changbin dropped it and then he fell back against the fridge and he bowed his head crying. he had so many things to say but he couldn't speak as sobs tore from his mouth instead, he expected them to just leave him there alone but then he was sobbing harder when arms wrapped around his arms.
it was moments later he spoke and someone choked on a sob when he admitted his thoughts "I-I figured you all hated me for what I did, figured it'd be better to just fix the problem.....better if I died instead" he sobbed and realized the person who choked on a sob was Jeongin and Hyunjin, he started profusely apologizing and saying it was his fault. the group realized now that two of their members were in a bad place and needed to contact their school, managers, JYP and set up therapy appointments if possible. they decided to pile blankets and pillows in the living room and the next morning Minho and Hyunjin contacted those they needed to, they were able for the next month or two to break down the walls of themselves and learn to communicate better and organize their schedules so they had actual free time to check in with each other and their mental health. Chan still felt guilty about the kiss and the following month two months later Changbin shut him up with a kiss and a long conversation was had between them and Felix which resulted in crying and red puffy eyes when they finished, Chan had forgiven Changbin and Changbin had said there was nothing to forgive. but he still had doubts worse than Chan had wondering if he really deserved this relationship between the two others due to what he had done, most times if he got into it with them later they'd find him crying and holding a blade but never doing anything. he apologize profusely and they knew Changbin needed a group therapy with the two of them and the group to help Changbin to realize none of them hated him.
it took months which soon became a year of therapy to realize Changbin was valuable, needed, wanted, and loved. he was currently laying in Chan's arms against the couch, Felix laying on both their legs and smiling. Changbin kissed his temple before kissing his lips and Chan turned kissing Changbin "I love you both so much" he said and Changbin became shy all of a sudden before Chan tilted Changbin's face towards him and kissed him again "I'm serious.....I really love you, always will" he said and then the moment was sort of ruined when Felix jumped up and cuddled them both into a laughing fit "I LOVE YOU GUYS TOO" he shouted and laughter could be heard all throughout the dorm.
